Two books I highly recommend are "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" and then "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn.
Moving away from using punishment or fear requires us to shift our way of thinking about our kids and their motivations. Are they simply exploring? Have we taught them the skills we would like to see them use in certain situations? Do we model those ski...lls regularly? We have to stop thinking of our kids as having ill-intentions, and rather see them as wanting to do well but without the skill set to do so. Have clearly stated expectations which are the same for everyone in the house. Ours are that you respect people and their property- you don't touch anyone or their things without permission- and you honor your agreements. So as long as no one is harming another person or their property they are not doing anything "wrong".