On teenagers and the importance of communication-
Note- I'm still feeling emotional about this, and my writing style is pretty free-form anyway, so consider this your warning about upcoming tangents and ramblings.
To understand this situation I think you first need to know that we've got a system in place in which the boys do tasks in exchange for payment in quarters. They then exchange those quarters for time on electronic devices. Or they don't. They can save the money to buy whatever they please. The system came into being over an hours long family meeting where everyone had input and we all hashed out details together. This is NOT a system we forced on them. We've been having trouble with Josh (days away from 14yo) using electronic devices outside of our agreement. Agreements are a big deal around here. It's one of basically only 2 standing rules- Don't encroach on another's person or property, and Honor your agreements. It's kind of the foundation of our little family, so naturally this is a big problem.
We talked about it. Honesty. Integrity. Relationships. We covered it all. He still kept using electronics without paying for the time. We put measures in place to avoid those situations; he found ways around it. I was getting seriously frustrated! Like, really, what the hell is going on here? I was feeling put in a place of Josh vs Us and it was really detrimental to the energy of our household and unhealthy for our relationship with him.
Something to know about Josh- He loves tinkering with his computer. He loves gaming. He wants all the latest tech. He's always coming out to show me some new graphics card he wants that costs hundreds of dollars, etc. After the third or forth time, my standard response has become, "Cool story, bro, but we're a single income household putting your Dad through a Master's program without loans right now so.....that's not happening on my dime."
Finally, the point of this post. There was another incident Thursday with the electronics and I was just over it. This clearly wasn't working and we needed to get to the bottom of it. So, after some deep breaths and a cup of tea, we sat down with Josh and asked him what was up. He was very guarded and distant. He didn't want to open up. We were very clear that breaking the agreement was unacceptable and we held him to higher standards than that. We were also very clear that we did not think he was a bad person because of his choices, but we needed to understand his choices in order to move forward and find a system that would meet all our needs.
After nearly an hour of conversation, we finally got to the root of things. He feels he needs certain tools (like the gadgets and upgrades for his electronics) in order to pursue his goals for personal growth. When he would show me things he wanted to buy and my response was as above, he felt I was not supportive of his goals and therefore I wasn't supportive of him. He felt he would have to do it all and get everything himself, which is why he was choosing not to spend his money on electronics according to the agreement. At the same time, we moved over the summer and he has a need to connect with his friends via devices. He was breaking our agreement in an attempt to meet both of those needs, because he did not feel supported by us, which made him feel unloved and unable to talk to us about the situation.
Once I heard how he was feeling it all made so much sense. We discussed putting room in the budget for the tools he wants and finding more ways outside the home for him to make some money too. We made sure to hammer home that we DO support him, and apologized for leading him to believe we didn't. The whole situation reminds me of the idea that it doesn't matter if we love our child/spouse/whoever; what matters is if THEY FEEL LOVED.
Final thoughts- When things aren't working or people are acting out, get to the root of the issue. Find out what needs aren't being met, what connections are being missed, what messages are being miscommunicated.
