Taking Time to Focus on Myself

Good morning! It's been awhile, huh? 

I've taken the liberty to spend most of my time and energy on myself and our home lately. It's been really healing and wonderful. 

Society places such a stigma on loving ourselves and putting energy into the care of ourselves. There is a sort of glorification of self-sacrifice. An idea that being behind on sleep, overworked, and neglectful of our own needs somehow makes us better people. It does not. It makes us less than our best.

Like so many other things I've learned on this journey, what I'd been told for so long is a lie.

How can I give my best to my children if I am not at my best? How can I effectively support others in my community if I am distracted by things for myself or my home left unattended? I don't think I can. And if I try to, I think I'm doing all of us a disservice.

I've been spending the last few months developing systems that meet my and my family's needs most efficiently so I will have more time and energy to commit to our community. I've learned that I need a certain amount of time to myself to feel most sane each day, and that waking up before everyone else gives me that. Getting rid of all but a set of 4 dishes means the kitchen is never out of control. Working everyone's wardrobes down to a set number of outfits means laundry no longer feels overwhelming. Developing a weekly menu for meals makes grocery shopping and cooking a breeze. Finishing all my half-finished projects (photo albums organized, garage cleaned out, etc) has taken a weight off my shoulders I didn't even realize was there.

Knowing all these things are now quite manageable and taken care of, more of my mind is available to focus on the really important things. My self. My kids. My husband. My friends. My community. And that is how I will change the world.

So, what will you do for yourself today?

“Everybody thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing themselves.”
― Leo Tolstoy

The Message Josh is Recieving

I haven't shared anything for a while, as I've been focusing on getting things around the house organized, starting the spring garden, etc. but I wanted to share this little snippet before I go to bed. 

We were driving home from dinner earlier and I was telling Papa about how I had a really stressful night with the boys and the dogs last night, but thanks to support from a wonderful friend who was over (and a bit of wine I slammed), I was able to feel better... "Like life is grand and parenting is wonderful."

Josh (9y) chimed in and said, "That's not the mom I know."

I said, "Well thanks for your honesty..." And kind of felt crappy.

Then he said, "The mom I know would say life's grander than grand, and parenting is more wonderful than wonderful."

Even with all the hard times when parenting is really challenging for me, even with all the struggles he and I have been through transitioning from authoritative parenting to peacefully parenting, the general message Josh gets from me is that I really enjoy being his mom. That made me feel more amazing than amazing.

Helping Bug Communicate Emotions

Bug (3y) has been having a lot of difficulties in communicating his feelings lately, sometimes called meltdowns. My usual mode of helping him through these times is to sit across from him, my arms open in case he wants a hug, and say things like "I see you're upset," "I am listening," "I want to help you," "I can help you more easily if you talk to me," with looooong pauses in between. I basically just hold a calm space for him, and after a few minutes of screaming, crying, and foot stomping while he works through whatever he's got going on he'll finally take a deep breath and say something like "I want a straw in my water."

Papa has been home more often the last few weeks so he's witnessed more of these meltdowns than he usually does. He asked me last night if I thought Bug's behavior was normal. Not going to lie, I laughed out loud. Yes, very normal. I'd even say he has less frequent and less intense meltdowns than I'd consider normal.

We talked more about it. Normal or not, he's struggling with a situation and its our responsibility to help him through it and help him learn to deal with his emotions in a healthy way. From that perspective I think we're handling things well. We are showing him we accept his feelings. We are actively listening to him. We are staying present so he learns he does not need to try to hide or suppress his feelings, or be ashamed of them. We're teaching him that we are a safe place to come when he's feeling overwhelmed, that he doesn't have to deal with these things alone.

Other approaches wouldn't teach these things. Punishing him for his outward behavior would neglect to address the underlying feelings, and create more hurt on top of them.

I'm confident Bug will move past this stage in his own time, and our relationships with him will be stronger from it.

Each Child is an Individual

While we're on the subject of children being people, I'd like to also talk about the fact that each child is an individual, completely unique. As such we will face completely unique challenges in parenting each of them. 

We have to deal with the people our children are, with their particular strengths, weaknesses, and abilities. It can be comforting to talk with other parents about their experiences with their children, but we have to keep in mind that no one's situation will ever be exactly like ours. What works for one parent-child relationship will not always work for another (and vice versa).

There really isn't such thing as 'normal'. In research there are averages or majorities but those NEVER represent any specific child (meaning no one child will fall into every average and majority on everything). So again we have to take what other kids can/can't do with a grain of salt and focus on parenting the child/ren we have for exactly who they are.

On Compromise and Negotiation

I hear chatter in parenting groups. Frustration that kids won't cooperate or comply with a request unless it's on "their terms". 

I think it's important to remember we are living with OTHER PEOPLE. Children aren't pets or robots, they are people. How much of their lives have they been living according to OUR TERMS? How would you feel if your roommate, partner, or spouse wanted everything done on their terms and didn't take your needs, wants, or preferences into consideration?

I think it is easy to feel like if we, as parents, aren't getting 100% our way we are "losing" or "giving in" or doing things "on the kids' terms". That's a lose-lose mentality. When living with our kids, just as living with any other person, there needs to be give and take, compromise and negotiation, in all situations.

And we need to remember they are learning how to compromise, negotiate, and take others' needs, wants, and feelings into consideration from the example we set with them.

Being Polite vs Saying Please

We had some people over for Papa's birthday over the weekend. A few people were sitting 


outside. One of the men was holding a football.

Bug (3y)- Hey Dad, can I play that football?

Papa- It's not my football. You can go ask him if you can play with his football.

Bug, very timidly, walks over to the man whom he's only met once before.

Bug- Um, can I ask you if I can play with your football?

Man- Can you say 'please'?

Bug- *silence*

Man- Say 'please'.

Bug- *silence*

Man- (to Papa) What, you guys don't teach your kids to say please?

Papa- He is extremely shy. I don't think you understand what a big deal it is for him to 

even 

have walked over to you and asked in the first place.

If I had been out there I would have said, "We teach our children to be polite, not to beg." 

But I think Papa handled it nicely as well.

"Are You Alright?"

An illustration of how important word choice can be-

Bug (3y) somehow hurt himself, is crying, and looking for someone to console him.

Josh (9y) runs up to Bug. Full of empathy he asks, "What happened?" Bug pushes him away.

Papa comes up to Bug, his voice full of concern asking, "What happened?" Bug pushes him away.

I walk up to Bug and ask, "Are you alright?" Bug melts into my arms.