Friday, April 12, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Unschooling and Bullying
Let's
talk about how raising Josh (8y) and Bug (2y) to know they own their
bodies, and to know they aren't to be coerced plays into bullying.
This is going to be difficult for me to type, but the truth hurts. As a former authoritarian parent- spanking, yelling, threatening, inflicting punishments, taking toys away- I was the biggest bully in Josh's life. Me.
If you've been following the page you've probably seen stories where Josh stood up to me and said "No." or "What then?" When I am getting out of line and encroaching on him or his freedom of choice, he calls me out on it. He stands up to me and holds his ground. His hands may be shaking, but he doesn't back down.
If he can stand up like that to me- the one person with a history of violence against him, the one person in his life who has bullied him in the past- he can stand up to anyone.
This is going to be difficult for me to type, but the truth hurts. As a former authoritarian parent- spanking, yelling, threatening, inflicting punishments, taking toys away- I was the biggest bully in Josh's life. Me.
If you've been following the page you've probably seen stories where Josh stood up to me and said "No." or "What then?" When I am getting out of line and encroaching on him or his freedom of choice, he calls me out on it. He stands up to me and holds his ground. His hands may be shaking, but he doesn't back down.
If he can stand up like that to me- the one person with a history of violence against him, the one person in his life who has bullied him in the past- he can stand up to anyone.
A Rough Morning
"
I
had this grand idea that I would wake up early to clean the living room
today. There were toys out, and I needed to sweep and mop.
Well of course, Bug (2y) decided to get up mere minutes after I'd started. I got him some breakfast, put on a movie and attempted to clean around him. I am scootching couches around, finding more food pieces and toys than should be physically possible of existing i...n the spaces underneath. Par for the course, but frustrating nonetheless. Then Josh (8y) woke up and the boys both run outside. Yes! I can finish up in peace! Oh no, silly me. They're running back in, with grassy socks, through my piles of dirt.
I lost it. I yelled something about "What on earth?!" and "Trying to clean!" and "So inconsiderate!" and "Get outside or go to your room!" Bug starts crying, he's only heard me freak like this once or twice before. Josh knows I need some space, so he picks Bug up and takes him outside to play.
I finish up mopping, and no sooner than I turn off the mop they run in with dirty feet, Bug still crying. I lose it again and yell about going to their rooms. Josh stands up to me, looks me in the eye and says "No". I got ticked off, but he would not back down. Finally I said, "Look, I'm obviously not in a good state of mind right now. Please don't push me. I need a minute to calm your brother down. I know I owe you an apology and I'll be there in a few minutes."
After I clean up Bug, spot clean the floor again, and calm down I go talk to Josh.
Me- Hey. I just realized, I haven't had anything to eat, nor any coffee, and you haven't eaten either. You think we'd both feel better after eating something?
Josh- Ugh, Mom. You know you don't act right before you have coffee.
Me- I know. What do you want?
Josh- Egg sandwiches.
Me- Okay, let's eat and talk. (later while eating) I'm sorry I lost my temper and yelled at you. I want the house clean and I felt like I wasn't get any help with it.
Josh- Well, I was trying to keep Bug happy outside, but he just wanted you. It would have been better if I was mopping and you were taking care of him instead. You're better at keeping him happy, and I'm better at mopping anyway.
Me- That's a great suggestion. Would you be willing to do that next time the house needs mopped?
Josh- Yeah.
Me- Okay, awesome. I also need you to be aware of things like coming inside with dirty socks or shoes, and take them off at the door. Can you help me with that?
Josh- *sigh* Yeah....sorry I made more mess while you were cleaning.
Me- I forgive you. Thank you for being patient with me when I lost my temper, and for the really helpful suggestion for next time. Can you forgive me for yelling at you?
Josh- Yes, I forgive you.
Me- Can I have a hug?
Josh- *leans into me*
Lessons learned- Nothing productive should happen before breakfast. Give up on having a clean floor for a couple more years. Listen to my kids more, they've got some great ideas.
Well of course, Bug (2y) decided to get up mere minutes after I'd started. I got him some breakfast, put on a movie and attempted to clean around him. I am scootching couches around, finding more food pieces and toys than should be physically possible of existing i...n the spaces underneath. Par for the course, but frustrating nonetheless. Then Josh (8y) woke up and the boys both run outside. Yes! I can finish up in peace! Oh no, silly me. They're running back in, with grassy socks, through my piles of dirt.
I lost it. I yelled something about "What on earth?!" and "Trying to clean!" and "So inconsiderate!" and "Get outside or go to your room!" Bug starts crying, he's only heard me freak like this once or twice before. Josh knows I need some space, so he picks Bug up and takes him outside to play.
I finish up mopping, and no sooner than I turn off the mop they run in with dirty feet, Bug still crying. I lose it again and yell about going to their rooms. Josh stands up to me, looks me in the eye and says "No". I got ticked off, but he would not back down. Finally I said, "Look, I'm obviously not in a good state of mind right now. Please don't push me. I need a minute to calm your brother down. I know I owe you an apology and I'll be there in a few minutes."
After I clean up Bug, spot clean the floor again, and calm down I go talk to Josh.
Me- Hey. I just realized, I haven't had anything to eat, nor any coffee, and you haven't eaten either. You think we'd both feel better after eating something?
Josh- Ugh, Mom. You know you don't act right before you have coffee.
Me- I know. What do you want?
Josh- Egg sandwiches.
Me- Okay, let's eat and talk. (later while eating) I'm sorry I lost my temper and yelled at you. I want the house clean and I felt like I wasn't get any help with it.
Josh- Well, I was trying to keep Bug happy outside, but he just wanted you. It would have been better if I was mopping and you were taking care of him instead. You're better at keeping him happy, and I'm better at mopping anyway.
Me- That's a great suggestion. Would you be willing to do that next time the house needs mopped?
Josh- Yeah.
Me- Okay, awesome. I also need you to be aware of things like coming inside with dirty socks or shoes, and take them off at the door. Can you help me with that?
Josh- *sigh* Yeah....sorry I made more mess while you were cleaning.
Me- I forgive you. Thank you for being patient with me when I lost my temper, and for the really helpful suggestion for next time. Can you forgive me for yelling at you?
Josh- Yes, I forgive you.
Me- Can I have a hug?
Josh- *leans into me*
Lessons learned- Nothing productive should happen before breakfast. Give up on having a clean floor for a couple more years. Listen to my kids more, they've got some great ideas.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Feeling Conflicted
Sometimes I feel so conflicted.
When I'm posting here I like to keep it real. Unschooling is awesome, I love it, but its not all sunshine and rainbows. It's hard sometimes, and I don't mind sharing my struggles here.
When I'm face to face with other parents though, I feel like I'm representing the entire unschooling community when I answer questions. So when my neighbor is telling me how she's booking up her son's summer so she doesn't have to be with him 24/7 for three months, and she says to me, "I don't know how you deal with your kids being with you all day, every day. I couldn't do it." I feel compelled to say something about how much I love being with my kids and how great homeschooling is.
I think those types of answers are doing the homeschooling movement a disservice. Instead I wish I would say something like, "You know, it was really hard at first. We had to relearn how to live together. But its gotten easier and I really do enjoy it now. Of course there are good and bad days. If you ever choose to homeschool I'd be happy to commiserate with you while the kids play."
I don't want to perpetuate the image that homeschooling parents are super-human, uber-patient, Stepford Moms. I don't want to make other moms feel badly for feeling like they couldn't do it. I used to feel like that too. I want to be encouraging and supportive and REAL. I'm going to keep working on this.
When I'm posting here I like to keep it real. Unschooling is awesome, I love it, but its not all sunshine and rainbows. It's hard sometimes, and I don't mind sharing my struggles here.
When I'm face to face with other parents though, I feel like I'm representing the entire unschooling community when I answer questions. So when my neighbor is telling me how she's booking up her son's summer so she doesn't have to be with him 24/7 for three months, and she says to me, "I don't know how you deal with your kids being with you all day, every day. I couldn't do it." I feel compelled to say something about how much I love being with my kids and how great homeschooling is.
I think those types of answers are doing the homeschooling movement a disservice. Instead I wish I would say something like, "You know, it was really hard at first. We had to relearn how to live together. But its gotten easier and I really do enjoy it now. Of course there are good and bad days. If you ever choose to homeschool I'd be happy to commiserate with you while the kids play."
I don't want to perpetuate the image that homeschooling parents are super-human, uber-patient, Stepford Moms. I don't want to make other moms feel badly for feeling like they couldn't do it. I used to feel like that too. I want to be encouraging and supportive and REAL. I'm going to keep working on this.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Did I Make the Most of Today
The kids are in bed. Another day has come and gone, and I find myself asking if I made the most of it.
How many times did I brush the boys off to pay attention to something trivial instead? How many times did I wish for them to occupy themselves so I could check my email or facebook? How many special moments did I miss? How many more smiles, giggles, hugs, and cuddles could we have squeezed in? Will I be regretting today tomorrow? Did I take today for granted?
Certainly, I take many things for granted every day. I think it's important to remember we are not promised tomorrow. What if today was our last day together? I don't want to live in fear of losing this beautiful life we share together each day, but I do want to live in humble appreciation of every little moment and soak each one up while I can.
How many times did I brush the boys off to pay attention to something trivial instead? How many times did I wish for them to occupy themselves so I could check my email or facebook? How many special moments did I miss? How many more smiles, giggles, hugs, and cuddles could we have squeezed in? Will I be regretting today tomorrow? Did I take today for granted?
Certainly, I take many things for granted every day. I think it's important to remember we are not promised tomorrow. What if today was our last day together? I don't want to live in fear of losing this beautiful life we share together each day, but I do want to live in humble appreciation of every little moment and soak each one up while I can.
Monday, April 8, 2013
New Phase of Appreciation
My
unschooling journey (because let's be honest, I am the one being
unschooled) is seeming to develop phases. There was the "I'm so angry at
the system!" phase, then the "settling in" phase, and now I'm entering
into the phase where I really appreciate how difficult parenting is.
Don't get me wrong, parenting was difficult for the 8 years before now too. Yes, things have gotten easier in a sense, now that we're parenting peacefully and learning naturally. But even with all the peaceful parenting tools I've armed myself with, even with all the books I've devoured, even with all the support I find from other families, our family dynamics are still not sunshine and rainbows.
This parenting paradigm doesn't magically make life perfect. The kids still do things that drive me nuts, we still fight, doors still slam. At times it is much more difficult for me to take that deep breath and work out the issue than to raise my voice or spout off threats. Even though I slip up at times, I know I will never stop striving to be more peaceful. While it may be difficult and doesn't magically make things perfect, we have seen a dramatic decrease in the frequency of fights and arguments. Even when I know I didn't get things quite right, I don't end up with the pit in my stomach that yelling, spanking, and punishing gave me. There is still love and understanding in our relationships, even when momentarily clouded by frustration or anger.
Parenting peacefully may be difficult in the here and now, but I can feel and I know that it is helping me foster a lifelong loving respectful relationship with my children. I am more than willing to put in the time now to have that relationship with them later.
Don't get me wrong, parenting was difficult for the 8 years before now too. Yes, things have gotten easier in a sense, now that we're parenting peacefully and learning naturally. But even with all the peaceful parenting tools I've armed myself with, even with all the books I've devoured, even with all the support I find from other families, our family dynamics are still not sunshine and rainbows.
This parenting paradigm doesn't magically make life perfect. The kids still do things that drive me nuts, we still fight, doors still slam. At times it is much more difficult for me to take that deep breath and work out the issue than to raise my voice or spout off threats. Even though I slip up at times, I know I will never stop striving to be more peaceful. While it may be difficult and doesn't magically make things perfect, we have seen a dramatic decrease in the frequency of fights and arguments. Even when I know I didn't get things quite right, I don't end up with the pit in my stomach that yelling, spanking, and punishing gave me. There is still love and understanding in our relationships, even when momentarily clouded by frustration or anger.
Parenting peacefully may be difficult in the here and now, but I can feel and I know that it is helping me foster a lifelong loving respectful relationship with my children. I am more than willing to put in the time now to have that relationship with them later.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Dinner for Bug
I was recently asked-
"Wondering how you go about dinner time at your house? I have a constant battle with my 3 1/2 yr old son to eat dinner. I wont make him but the thing is it gets late and 9pm rolls around and he is hungry when he should be getting ready for bed if not already asleep. "
Bug is 2 years old. He is able to open the fridge and pantry by himself, so I have the bott...om crisper drawer full of snacks he can get himself- apples, carrots, clementines, etc.- and the lowest shelf in the pantry stocked the same way- breads, raisins, almonds, etc. I also keep a cup of water on the table for him all day. This way he's able to eat any time he's hungry, even if I'm busy in the middle of something. I think listening to his body is highly important.
When dinner rolls around I make him a plate with whatever I made and round it out with other options, so he'll end up with a big plate of little bits of lots of things. I shoot for something orange, something green, some sort of berry, a protein, a starch, and a dairy option. I then refill whatever options he's most interested in as he finishes them off. Some days he wants it all, some days none of it, and everything in between. I think the key is respecting his authority over what goes into his body, providing him choices I'm okay with, and keeping stock of things I know he enjoys.
I don't know what your schedule is like, and if your son really needs to be sleeping at 9pm. I'd suggest trying to be more open to helping him listen to his body's cues for eating and sleep. I'd certainly feed him if he's hungry, I don't agree with withholding food, especially not on a punishment/reward basis. Above all, talk with him. It may be that he's missing something really fun when you're trying to get him to sit down to dinner. Maybe you can come up with a compromise- eating a few minutes later, eating in a different room or outside, playing together beforehand, etc. I imagine having his feelings heard and his opinion counted will go a long way. :)
"Wondering how you go about dinner time at your house? I have a constant battle with my 3 1/2 yr old son to eat dinner. I wont make him but the thing is it gets late and 9pm rolls around and he is hungry when he should be getting ready for bed if not already asleep. "
Bug is 2 years old. He is able to open the fridge and pantry by himself, so I have the bott...om crisper drawer full of snacks he can get himself- apples, carrots, clementines, etc.- and the lowest shelf in the pantry stocked the same way- breads, raisins, almonds, etc. I also keep a cup of water on the table for him all day. This way he's able to eat any time he's hungry, even if I'm busy in the middle of something. I think listening to his body is highly important.
When dinner rolls around I make him a plate with whatever I made and round it out with other options, so he'll end up with a big plate of little bits of lots of things. I shoot for something orange, something green, some sort of berry, a protein, a starch, and a dairy option. I then refill whatever options he's most interested in as he finishes them off. Some days he wants it all, some days none of it, and everything in between. I think the key is respecting his authority over what goes into his body, providing him choices I'm okay with, and keeping stock of things I know he enjoys.
I don't know what your schedule is like, and if your son really needs to be sleeping at 9pm. I'd suggest trying to be more open to helping him listen to his body's cues for eating and sleep. I'd certainly feed him if he's hungry, I don't agree with withholding food, especially not on a punishment/reward basis. Above all, talk with him. It may be that he's missing something really fun when you're trying to get him to sit down to dinner. Maybe you can come up with a compromise- eating a few minutes later, eating in a different room or outside, playing together beforehand, etc. I imagine having his feelings heard and his opinion counted will go a long way. :)
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