Trust Enough to Cry

How much trust does it take for us to share our raw emotions? Will you cry and bare your soul to just anyone? When our babies and toddlers are crying and screaming, they are not being bad or manipulative. They are trusting us with their raw emotions. They are saying to us, "I have these big feelings and I don't know how to handle them." They are trusting us to guide them and teach them how to wor...k through those big feelings and frustrations. We must not betray this trust. We must not insinuate their feelings are wrong. That would teach them only to suppress their emotions and bottle them up, which (I hope) we all know is unhealthy. We must acknowledge their emotions. We must teach them the words for what they are feeling. We must let them know their emotions are valid and important. We must teach them ways to work through their feelings and communicate effectively. Above all, we must always be a safe place for them to feel they can be themselves.See More

How Do We Change the World?

The other night I had a lengthy, in depth conversation with a dear friend about how we could "change the world". How could we get more parents aware of the option to parent peacefully? How could we educate them? How could we help them work through their childhood issues to move to a healthier place to parent their own children? The short answer is- We don't. No one can "make" someone want to do ...better. No one can "make" someone want to make peace with their past. That is a personal journey for each individual to take. The most significant thing I can do is to better myself. I am far from perfect. I have my own past to make peace with. What was I thinking, that I could crusade out into the world to help others? I will focus on making myself as peaceful as I can, and raising my boys as peacefully as I can. In turn, hopefully they will raise their children peacefully as well. Perhaps others will observe us, in person or here on this page, and be inspired to start on their own journeys. I will do what I can to support and encourage them. Maybe, in turn, they will inspire others. The world changes one person at a time, and it starts with me.See More

Josh Gets Into Cleaning

Remember the other day when Josh (8y) told me he "wasn't into cleaning"? And then he asked me to mop a few days later? Well, today one of his friends is coming over. I said I wanted to clean the house up some before he got here and started picking up. I mentioned wanting to vacuum my room. Josh- Oooh, oooh! I'll go get the vacuum! (comes back with vacuum) I'll plug it in. Can I do it. ... Me- Yeah. I'll go pick up Bug's room while you get that done. (Josh finishes my room and sets the vacuum up in Bug's room, then starts playing a puzzle with Bug.) Me- Want me to do this room while you play? Josh- No, I want to do it. Vacuuming is my new favorite thing! Me- *conceals shock* Okay, I'll go throw some laundry in the wash. He went on to do the living room (even though there's no carpet) and mopped too. Me- Thanks for your help! I was able to get some more chores done while you did the vacuuming, and now the house is clean and we can relax. Josh- You're welcome! Thanks for doing the other stuff. Its a lot easier when we work together

A Conversation with Papa on Trust

Papa Bear and Josh were having a rough time the other night. A screen on the porch got torn and Papa was sure Josh had something to do with it, though Josh insisted he didn't know what happened. Later on, Josh and I were cooking. Just before he plunged his hand into some dough I asked, "Did you wash your hands when you came in?" Josh- Yeah *plunges hands into dough* Papa- Did you really? J- Yes! P- When? Which sink? J- Dad! I said yes! At this point I gave Papa one of those "take a deep breath and walk away before this escalates" looks behind Josh's back. Later on, Papa and I were talking alone. Papa- Can we talk about earlier? Me- Yeah. You know, your first response with him has to be trust. P- I'm still so irritated with the screen though. I'm certain he tore it (for reasons I won't get into here) but he keeps telling me he doesn't know what happened. What am I supposed to do when he's lying to me? How am I supposed to trust him? M- Well first off, I remember times when I got in trouble for things as a kid and I honestly didn't remember doing them. Your mind can wander and you can be goofing off lost in thought and not realize what you're doing. Maybe that happened. Maybe he really doesn't *know* how the screen tore. P- Maybe, but I still don't understand what you mean when you say my first response needs to be trust. M- Say he did rip the screen and he came and told you. How would you react? What would you say? P- I'd be mad. I'd ask him what he was doing. Why he wasn't being more careful. M- Do you hear how that is a judgment? No one wants to be judged when they make mistakes. So naturally he's not going to want to come tell you the truth. P- But what about when I ask him and he lies? I just don't understand why I'm supposed to pretend I believe him when I know he's lying. M- Its the same thing. He knows you're going to have a negative reaction to the truth, so he feels compelled to lie. He's afraid of your reaction to the truth. P- *grumble* M- You have to be a safe place for him now, so he can feel secure in coming to you with the truth later on. P- I'm still not seeing it. M- What does it accomplish for you to ask him what he was doing and why he wasn't more careful? Nothing positive. P- So what am I supposed to do? M- Make a statement of observation- "The screen got torn. It needs to be replaced. Want to replace it together?" It's like the other day when I made that huge mess on the floor. I knew I wasn't being careful, I didn't need anyone to tell me that. If he knowingly tore the screen he knows he made a mistake. He doesn't need us to tell him that. But he does need to know he's still loved and respected by us regardless. P- Yeah, I see what you're saying. M- And when you were drilling him about whether he'd washed his hands, how do you think that made him feel? P- Like I didn't trust and respect him. M- And how likely is he to feel open in coming to you if that's your relationship? P- *sigh* Not likely... M- I remember my parents treating me like that as a teenager. I was a good kid but they didn't think so. Eventually I started doing bad stuff because I got treated like crap regardless. P- Yeah... Okay I think I understand this now. You're so much better at this than I am. M- Not really, I just spend more hours with them everyday so I've had more practice. And for the record, I saw Josh wash his hands in the bathroom.

Universal Rules from Sherlock Holmes

We as humans are always searching for the 'universal', the rules that apply to everything. The simple things that connect us all. Along those lines, I had an interesting conversation with Josh earlier this week. We were watching the newest Sherlock Holmes at the scene where tanks and machine guns are rolling through a wooded area. Me- Josh, what do you think about war? ... Josh- Well, nobody has the right to hurt other people, so it's bad. M- What about destroying people's things? J- Nobody has the right to destroy other people's property either. So that's wrong too. *tree explodes on the screen* M- What about the trees? J- Well if they are on someone else's land, they are their property. So no one else has the right to destroy them. M- Trees are alive, right? J- Yes. M- Do they have the right to their own lives the same way we do? Can anyone justly "own" a tree? J- Hmmmmm. Well I guess everything that's alive should own themselves. M- Animals too? J- Well yeah. M- What about the animals we eat? Or animals kept as pets? Is that alright, if we applied the ideas of liberty to them as well? J- Well.....no. We shouldn't kill anything then. M- How would we eat if we didn't kill anything? In order for us to stay alive we have to eat things that are or were alive. J- Do we kill plants when we eat them? If we eat an apple it doesn't kill the whole tree. M- That's true. We could eat fruits, nuts and berries, but when we eat things like carrots we eat the whole plant. The carrot is the root, and the leaves can't live without the root. J- Hmmm. Okay Mom, I want to watch the movie now. We don't eat vegan, and I wasn't trying to lead him to that line of thinking, but it is important to always stretch our ways of thinking. Lots of new perspectives for us to think about here. *Side note- Later we wondered just how much we could eat if we ate only fruit, and found the definition of a fruit is anything which grows from the flower of a plant. In case you were curious too.See More

What is Discipline?

If you look up the word 'discipline' in a dictionary (or more likely with an app) you'll find several definitions. One is "to teach", one is "to punish" (among others). What is our ultimate goal with our children? To teach them, or to punish them? To answer that let's look more into what it is to 'teach'. Often we confuse teaching as something we can do 'to' someone. "I'm going to teach Bug the... alphabet", for example. But my 'teaching' is no guarantee he will learn what I am presenting. What he learns is completely in his control. My part as 'teacher' is simply to facilitate his learning, to provide an environment and material which allow him to learn. To teach is to work collaboratively with the learner. To punish is to do something 'to' someone. My Random House Webster's dictionary defines punish as "to subject to pain, loss, confinement, or death as a penalty for some offense or fault." Punishment is an attempt at behavior modification and control. An attempt because, like trying to actively teach someone, there is no guarantee the behavior will change in the way the punisher desires. Many defend spanking, time-out, loss of privileges, and other punishments as a way to teach their children important lessons. While these actions are a form of discipline, as defined above, they are NOT a form of teaching. They are attempts at behavior modification and control, nothing more. So back to our earlier question- Is our ultimate goal to facilitate our children's learning, or to control their behavior?See More

Mama's thoughts on Santa

My thoughts on Santa- I'm referring to the commercialized Santa, the guy who watches you all year and has a naughty and nice list. I don't care for the idea that being "good" gets you a material "prize". I don't want to teach that at all. I don't want the idea that someone is watching you to judge your actions getting into the kids' heads either. I want them to do good, be kind and charitable bec...ause they are internally motivated to do so. Because of how it makes them feel to give to others. We will get them each a couple of gifts, and they will know they're from us. We will share with them the stories and the history of all the holidays of the season. Santa's story will be one of those and it will be fun I'm sure, but just a story.See More