Let Them Have Fun

We went to a pumpkin patch over the weekend. Bounce houses, wagons, hay mazes, wooden cut outs of characters, hay rides, barrel trains, all sorts of fun.

Sadly, there were many kids not having fun; crying as their parents pulled them away from what they wanted to be doing in order to get them to do something else "really fun".

I think it's something we all have been caught up in before. We want to make sure our kids get to do everything at whatever fun place we've taken them, and we lose sight of how much fun they already ARE having.

A challenge for everyone, myself included- next time we take the kids somewhere, don't focus on seeing/doing everything. Instead focus on enjoying the present moment with them.

I Don't Believe in "Bad Choices"

Children don't make "bad choices". They make choices we may not understand or with which we disagree. The best approach to these choices is curiosity and compassion.

"Why did you make that choice?"
"Can you tell me more about that?"
"Had you considered xyz?"

Use these opportunities to encourage connection and learning.

"I would have made this choice for these reasons."
"In the past when I have made this choice it led to this consequence."

Getting Myself Under Control

One of the hardest lessons I've learned as a parent- Having a happy house is not about controlling what the kids do, it is about controlling what I do; my thoughts and actions.

Last night we were driving and Bug (2y) was being LOUD. Screaming everything he said, singing at the top of his lungs, etc. In the past I might have yelled back "Be quiet!" or something like that. Honestly, I still fought the urge to do just that, but I've been there and seen the outcome of that action. Bug would get upset and start crying, or possibly think we were having a fun game of yelling and increase the volume. So instead I said, "Bug, your voice is loud. It is hurting my head." He said, "It's not hurting your head, Mama." and I replied, "Yes it is. It's going in my ears and hurting my head." He thought for a second and then said, "I don't want to hurt your head." "Thank you. If you stop being loud my head will stop hurting." and that was that.

Later, at home, Josh (9y) and I had finished reading in the living room and I was ready for bed. Josh was not, so I asked him to please respect that Bug and I were sleeping by being quiet, and off I went. Not 10 minutes later I heard a crash come from the living room. In the past I would have stormed out and gone ape-shit. I am an angry lady when I'm tired. I've been there, done that, and it never turns out well. Josh is very sensitive, and my outbursts have set our family progress toward peace back on more than one occasion. So instead I paused at the living room door, took a deep breath, and managed to just ask, "What happened?"

"I was cleaning up the living room and dropped Bug's trains. You worked hard all day cleaning up, and now its messy again, so I wanted to pick up for you."

Cue heartbreak. I was SO thankful I didn't come out yelling at him for trying to be helpful.

Now, is this what every moment looks like in our house? No.
Did we have to go through some seriously dark times to get to this point? Yes, oh yes.

The common theme in my experiences is that when I assign negative motives to the kids in my thoughts or react to them from a place of judgment or control, the outcome is almost always negative.

When I assume the kids have the best intentions in my thoughts and react to them from a place of respect and love, these are the times we're more likely to experience the types of outcomes shared above.

Anarchy Cleans the Table

Most people I talk with about our parenting style think that a household without parents who are "clear authority figures" who "lay down the law and keep the kids in line" would surely descend into anarchy.

Well, earlier Josh (9y) was in full-on experiment mode at the kitchen table. Modeling clay, glue, lighters, candles, melted wax, burned toast, balloons and other such mess all scattered about. He finished, got up, and started walking down the hall.

Me-Are you done?

Josh- Yeah, I'm going to my room.

Me- Ummm, your mess is still all over the table.

He huffs back into the kitchen, muttering under his breath, then comes back up to me.

Josh- You know, you telling me to clean up my mess, you can't do that. You can't tell me what to do.

Me- I didn't tell you to clean your mess. I simply stated that it was still on the table, providing you with the opportunity to make the decision to be responsible for yourself.

Josh- Oh... *thoughtful sigh*

...and off he went to clean up the mess.

Josh- This wax is not coming off easily.

Me- Okay.

Josh- Do I have to clean it all?

Me- What would be the responsible thing to do?

Josh- I'm going to need something to scrape it with.

Me- Alright.

Josh- I'll use a butter knife.

Me- Okay.

A table cleaned by sweet, beautiful anarchy.

The Boys Work It Out Themselves

I want to share an experience from yesterday. One of Josh's neighbor friends was over and they were in his room. Friend came out looking upset, paused at the door to leave, but then came to talk to me.

Friend- Josh has been playing his Wii all week and isn't playing with me. ...
Me- It looks like that upsets you.
Friend- Yeah......
Me- Did you come tell me because you want me to help you talk to him?
Friend- Yes.

So we went into Josh's room to get a conversation going.

Me- Friend, how about you tell Josh how you're feeling.
Friend- You've been playing Wii for a week now and not playing with your friends.
Me- Well, that sounds more like what Josh is doing. Can you tell him how you're feeling? Try starting your sentence with "I".
Friend- I want to play with you but I don't want to play Wii. I've been inside for 7 hours and I want to go outside. It makes me feel sad that you don't want to play with me.
Me- Josh did you hear what he said?
Josh- Yes.
Me- So how about you tell him how you're feeling.
Josh- Well, I want to play with you too, but I didn't get much sleep last night so I want to stay inside.
Me- Okay. Friend, if you got to pick what to do, what would you choose?
Friend- Going outside to play football.
Me- And Josh, if you got to pick what to do, what would you choose?
Josh- Staying inside. Maybe we could play legos.
Me- Alright, you both chose different things. You'll need to come to a compromise. Friend, what is your first counter-offer?

This went back and forth for a while, with many creative ideas thrown out there, but Friend insisted on being outside while Josh insisted on being inside. I had a feeling my being in the room was hindering their discussion.

Me- Well guys, you may just be at an impasse. You may want to consider playing separately today and trying again tomorrow. Either way, I think you've got the hang of this, so I'll leave you to finish up.

I went into the kitchen and 10 minutes later they came running out to tell me they came to an agreement. They were SO proud of themselves.

Josh- Mom! We're going outside!
Friend- Yeah! Josh wanted to play video games, and I wanted to play outside, so we came up with playing tag as video game characters.
Josh- Yeah, and we'll have powers.
Me- Alright! You two have fun!

Josh didn't grow up with a good example from us. He's only had one for the last year or so, and we're still learning ourselves. Friend comes from a family much like ours used to be. I am so incredibly proud of them for taking the format of respectful dialogue and resolving their issue themselves.

Date Night with Josh

Last night's time with Josh (9y) was wonderful. We sat out on the porch snuggled under blankets watching the rain. As we talked I told him I never really knew much about my parents' childhoods and asked if he had any questions about mine. We talked about all sorts of things; when my parents divorced, the things I got in trouble for, my first marriage to Josh's biological father at age 19, our divorce, his being adopted by Papa. We talked about how I didn't even start learning who I was or what my passions were until my mid twenties. We talked about what it is to know yourself. Big topics, deep thoughts. It was a really great night. I'm so glad I made the extra effort to make that connection with him. It is something I never experienced with my parents, and I think my young adult life would have been very different if I had.

Parents, It Is All On Us

I was listening to a podcast on Freedomain Radio earlier today, in which Stefan Molyneux said something to the effect of, "If there is a problem in the parent/child relationship it is always the parent's fault." and went on to defend that statement (I'll link the specific podcast in the comments).

Over the last three days Josh (9y) has been holed away in his room playing video games and watching tv. He doesn't have a limit on his screen time, and usually he doesn't spend much time each day watching tv or playing games. These last few days have been different though. He's turned down my invitations to do other activities with Bug and I; he's even declined coming out to eat meals with us.

Most of the day I'd been thinking to myself, "Well, I tried. I invited him out. If he wants to be alone all day that's his problem." Thankfully the podcast mentioned above got me looking at things from a different perspective. I called him out and asked him to talk for a minute. I told him I'd noticed he was spending a lot more time than usual in his room alone, that I was concerned and wanted to spend time with him each day.

Come to find out, he doesn't like spending time around Bug (2y). Understandable. Bug has a big personality and usually commands everyone's attention. Josh wants to spend time with JUST me, so that I won't be distracted by his brother. It isn't easy to get one-on-one time in a house with no bed-times and Papa traveling M-F. After Bug goes to sleep I usually talk to Papa on the phone, but tonight I chatted with him earlier instead so that after Bug falls asleep I can give Josh the undivided attention he deserves.