The Girl Next Door

I have this story I've been wanting to share, but I'm having a hard time putting it in the right words to express the point I want to make, so I'm just going to dump my thoughts here. I hope you're able to glean the intent despite my lack of eloquence.

There's a family down the street, a grandmother and 2 kids around 8-10 years old. The kids lost two younger siblings and their father in a house ...fire years ago. Their mom, I don't know exactly, but she's still alive and visits twice a month. As you can imagine, the kids have some things they need to work through that often manifest themselves in certain behaviors (ex-aggression, compulsive lying). Because of these behaviors, the other parents in the neighborhood don't like them coming over or hanging out with their kids.

Earlier this week the girl came over to hang out with Josh. She was talking to me about pie, and we set a date to make a pie the next day. The whole time she and I were cooking, hanging out while it baked, and eating those first piping hot slices I wondered if this was the only positive interaction she'd had that day. I wondered why she wasn't baking with her grandma instead of me. She stayed over watching tv with me until her grandma came to call her home, and I saw why.

We all know of kids like this. Maybe they're friends with your kids. Maybe they live in your neighborhood. Maybe its a passing child at the grocery store and you see it in their eyes. Maybe your smile, encouraging words, open ears, undivided attention, or peaceful interaction is the only positive interaction they'll have that day. Maybe that one action will give them strength to hold on. Maybe it will give them hope. Maybe it will change their life.

They Unschool Me

Sometimes I worry that because we don't have much expendable cash, we won't be able to facilitate all the interests Josh (8y) may have. I worry that we'll hold him back. He's very interested in astronomy, but we can't afford a decent telescope, things like that.

But Josh is teaching me not to worry about things like that. He's teaching me not to look at the world like that anymore. His "I can" attitude is showing me that I was not looking at all the options. For example, we can use telescopes at the local college. And even if we do need money, that's just an extra step in the process. His outlook is "We need $X, what can we do to get $X, let's do it."

When we started on the path of this lifestyle, I thought I was the one setting my children free, that I was unschooling them. But time and time again my children prove to be the ones setting me free. They're unschooling me.

Violence Against Pregnant and Laboring Women

Violence Against Pregnant and Labouring Women mumanu.wordpress.com

This is not unschooling related, but as 90% of people who like this page are female, whom I assume are likely to already have a child or will in the future, I feel it is important to share.

Both boys were born in a hospital. Josh's birth was traumatic, due to many of the issues addressed in the article. Bug's birth was much better, but I had to fight for what I wanted. The questioning and mocking of a natural birth and the pushing for interventions was very distracting, and kept my experience from being as beautiful as it could have been.

This type of treatment from medical staff is violent, and I am thankful to the author of this article for addressing it.

Passing Love Down

I was laying with Bug (2y) just now in bed. He was snuggled up in the crook of my arm, his little body pressed close to mine. I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, and gently ran my fingers through his hair.

In the crook of his arm lay his favorite stuffed bear. Bug pulled Bear in close, leaned over and kissed him, and then stroked the top of his head.

What a beautiful, powerful reminder that the way I treat Bug now will likely be how he treats his children one day. Passing love down, generation to generation.

Win-oh, UP! Win-oh, down.

How many of you have toddlers? Surely this situation will look familiar to you-

Laying in bed-
Bug (2y)- Fix-a covers?
Me- *fixes his covers*
Bug- Covers off.
Me- *removes his covers*
Bug- Hahaha! Fix-a covers?
Me- *fixes his covers*
Bug- Hahaha! Covers off.

Or maybe this one driving in the car-
Bug- Win-oh down.
Me- *rolls his window down*
Bug- Hahaha! Win-oh up!
Me- *rolls his window up*
Bug- Hahahaha! Win-oh down.
Me- *rolls his window down*
Bug- Hahaha! Win-oh up!

And every now and then he'll throw me a curve ball, like saying "Win-oh up" when the window is already up.

This is not maniacal laughter, my friends, though I know it is easy to think so. And your child is not trying to drive you crazy, though I know it is easy to feel that way too.

This is learning. Learning language. Giggling joyfully at the realization that their words have power. These are budding communication skills. They are looking to you to learn what appropriate back-and-forth behavior is while communicating.

Do you respond the first time they say something to you? Do you let out an exasperated sigh? Do you ignore them? Do you engage in pleasant conversation? Do you respond in frustration? Do you raise your voice? Are you happy to fulfill their request when able? Do you empathize with them if you are not?

Whatever your response, be prepared for them to mimic your behavior to you and others in their future interactions. Choose wisely. These are the moments when future communication frustrations can be made, or avoided.

"What have you been studying?"

The other day Josh (8y) was talking to his great-grandma on the phone and she asked him what he'd been studying lately. Our family all understands that we "homeschool" but will be the first to admit they have no idea what we mean when we say we "unschool". Josh (and Papa and I) get questions like this often. "What are you studying?" "What have you learned this week?" "Do you know (insert quizy que...stion)?"

Josh really doesn't understand the questions. In his mind he hasn't been studying grammar, spelling, or punctuation. He's been sending people email. He doesn't necessarily notice when he's learning new things, as it is simply a by-product of him figuring out how to do whatever he wants to do. Asking him "What is the square root of 25?" isn't the normal language of our lives, as it doesn't have an application. Where as if he were playing with 25 blocks and wanted to make a square with them, he could figure out how long to make each side.

It is something we're continually working on, with our families and with Josh. Helping our families understand what we're doing, and how "What have you been up to lately?" would be a more appropriate question. And helping Josh to understand the perspective they have and why.

Effects of Deschooling on Marital Relationship

Something I've yet to address here are the effects our transition from authoritative parenting to radical unschooling have had on our relationship (Papa and me).

This new way of doing things requires a lot of questioning your old ways, many hours of introspection, reconsidering everything you thought you knew before, grappling with the ghosts of your childhood past. It is a very intimate, personal process.

This has required Papa and I to give each other more space than usual. To be even more supportive and encouraging. To be even more patient while we each make progress and experience set-backs at different paces and times. To challenge each other when we try to settle back into our old, more comfortable (for now) habits.

We can become easily frustrated with each other as we learn how to communicate in an entirely different way. Emotional stakes are high as such raw emotions and memories are brought to the surface, questioned, and examined. Fortunately, the end result of working through all these things is a closer, more intimate, more honest, more supportive relationship.

We're rebuilding our relationship together in much the same way we are rebuilding our relationships with the children.