Serious Conversations

The other night Josh (8y) walks up to me and says- "Mom, can I talk to you about something serious? And you listen very carefully?"

Whoa. I'm mentally preparing myself for whatever serious business is about to go down.
"Yes, I'm listening," I respond.

"So on Wii Super Mario Bros there are different worlds....."

And he went on for quite a while explaining in great detail this game he plays on the neighbor's Wii. He even drew me diagrams.

No More Excuses

It is an invalid argument to say you treat your children harshly to "prepare them for the real world". Childhood is not a holding pattern waiting for "real life" to begin. Your children are living in the real world now. Punishments and coercion don't teach them to toughen up in case some stranger down the road treats them thusly, it teaches them that punishment and coercion can be expected from the people who love them most.

 Just because someone somewhere down the road will treat your child harshly is no reason to treat them harshly yourself. Instead, build them up. Show them how to peacefully interact so they will reject violence, so they will not accept coercion or mistreatment from others in their lives.

Hold Them

Holding a child who wants to be held is healthy and normal, no matter their age. Children learn security in themselves by knowing security in their relationships.

Imagine how it would feel to be overwhelmed with an emotion and seeking comfort from the person you most trust, only to be denied. Children learn how to work through their emotions in a healthy way through our empathy and compassion; by our being ever present and patient. Hold them. Show them love and respect. Take them seriously, for in their world it is serious. You are not spoiling them by meeting their needs. Holding them will not cause them to need you forever. On the contrary, they will become more secure and independent, in a healthy natural way.

Bug Does Laundry

Our kids aren't asked to do chores, but they are very helpful. I believe it is because we don't discourage them from doing or helping when they are young. Sure, it took us a while to get laundry done today, and I could have finished much faster by myself, but the lesson is not speediness. The lesson is taking care of our things, taking pride in our work, learning new skills, and spending time together in enjoyment. Here is a quick video of Bug (2y) helping me put his laundry away. I was sorting laundry in another room when he picked up his pile of clothes and carried them to his room, opened his closet, and then the video begins.

What Tools are in Your Tool Box?

Many of us know we want to parent our children differently than we were parented. I personally never wanted to spank or yell at my children, because I remembered how it affected me when my parents used those tactics. Unfortunately I didn't arm myself with other tools before I had children. In the midst of a conflict, when I was left with no new tools for diffusing the situation peacefully, I fell back on what I knew, which was spanking and yelling. We have since found more peaceful ways to interact with our children. Our tool of choice is clear and effective communication, which takes practice, especially learning to communicate our feelings and frustrations before they escalate. What tools have you used and what sources have inspired you to find new ways to resolve conflict in your family? We can never have too many options.

Josh Explains Unschooling

Last night we took an impromptu trip to Houston. Crazy, but fun. Tonight we were all down at the hotel pool and another boy was swimming and playing with Josh (8y). After a while their conversation took this turn-
Josh- What grade are you in?
Kid- I'm going into 7th grade. What about you?
Josh- Third. Well, I would be in third but I'm homeschooled.
Kid- You're homeschooled? Lucky!
Josh- Yeah!
Kid- I wish I was homeschooled. Because then you wouldn't have to go to school. You could just stay home.
Josh- Yep, well I mean, I go to lots of places, but yeah.
Kid- Do you get to sleep later?
Josh- I get to sleep as long as I want.
Kid- That's so cool. So you just do all your school work at home?
Josh- I just learn by nature. Or I'll ask myself these questions and find the answers.
Kid- I wish I was homeschooled.

A Drop in the Ocean

Just about everything we do as a family is a little "weird". We don't send our kids to school. We don't even do school at home. We don't have rules. We don't punish our kids, and many other things I won't get into here that others may consider "weird".

 Living a life based on philosophies of love and respect and acceptance isn't exactly the norm, sadly, particularly when it comes to the treatment of children. Many times it feels like we are swimming against the current. Sometimes we get down and wonder how we will ever make a difference in the world. We want a better world for our children than the one we grew up in, but our efforts can feel like a single drop in a vast ocean, having little effect. Then I remember, every act of love, kindness and respect is meaningful. Every drop creates a ripple and forever changes its surroundings. Every interaction we have changes the world. We choose to change it for the better.

"What is any ocean, but a multitude of drops?"- David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas