Mending Holes

 A couple days ago, Bug asked me if he could draw one of his favorite characters on his wallet. Since it's his wallet, of course he could. However I was feeling a little grumpy about it because it was a wallet I'd made him. I didn't like the idea that I'd worked hard on it for it to be drawn on.

Yesterday I was mending some of his pants and got silly with making a monster face and other designs. While doing so I realized something.

I was doing the same thing he had done, embellishing a cloth item. The only difference was our choice of art medium and the fact that I've had a couple more decades to refine my skills (ok, actually my hand sewing skills are pretty lacking). The point being, I thought more highly of my abilities with thread than his with markers. I'm really glad for the change in perspective.

Computer Agreement

 On teenagers and the importance of communication-

Note- I'm still feeling emotional about this, and my writing style is pretty free-form anyway, so consider this your warning about upcoming tangents and ramblings.

To understand this situation I think you first need to know that we've got a system in place in which the boys do tasks in exchange for payment in quarters. They then exchange those quarters for time on electronic devices. Or they don't. They can save the money to buy whatever they please. The system came into being over an hours long family meeting where everyone had input and we all hashed out details together. This is NOT a system we forced on them.

We've been having trouble with Josh (days away from 14yo) using electronic devices outside of our agreement. Agreements are a big deal around here. It's one of basically only 2 standing rules- Don't encroach on another's person or property, and Honor your agreements. It's kind of the foundation of our little family, so naturally this is a big problem.

We talked about it. Honesty. Integrity. Relationships. We covered it all. He still kept using electronics without paying for the time. We put measures in place to avoid those situations; he found ways around it. I was getting seriously frustrated! Like, really, what the hell is going on here? I was feeling put in a place of Josh vs Us and it was really detrimental to the energy of our household and unhealthy for our relationship with him.

Something to know about Josh- He loves tinkering with his computer. He loves gaming. He wants all the latest tech. He's always coming out to show me some new graphics card he wants that costs hundreds of dollars, etc. After the third or forth time, my standard response has become, "Cool story, bro, but we're a single income household putting your Dad through a Master's program without loans right now so.....that's not happening on my dime."

Finally, the point of this post. There was another incident Thursday with the electronics and I was just over it. This clearly wasn't working and we needed to get to the bottom of it. So, after some deep breaths and a cup of tea, we sat down with Josh and asked him what was up. He was very guarded and distant. He didn't want to open up. We were very clear that breaking the agreement was unacceptable and we held him to higher standards than that. We were also very clear that we did not think he was a bad person because of his choices, but we needed to understand his choices in order to move forward and find a system that would meet all our needs.

After nearly an hour of conversation, we finally got to the root of things. He feels he needs certain tools (like the gadgets and upgrades for his electronics) in order to pursue his goals for personal growth. When he would show me things he wanted to buy and my response was as above, he felt I was not supportive of his goals and therefore I wasn't supportive of him. He felt he would have to do it all and get everything himself, which is why he was choosing not to spend his money on electronics according to the agreement. At the same time, we moved over the summer and he has a need to connect with his friends via devices. He was breaking our agreement in an attempt to meet both of those needs, because he did not feel supported by us, which made him feel unloved and unable to talk to us about the situation.

Once I heard how he was feeling it all made so much sense. We discussed putting room in the budget for the tools he wants and finding more ways outside the home for him to make some money too. We made sure to hammer home that we DO support him, and apologized for leading him to believe we didn't. The whole situation reminds me of the idea that it doesn't matter if we love our child/spouse/whoever; what matters is if THEY FEEL LOVED.

Final thoughts- When things aren't working or people are acting out, get to the root of the issue. Find out what needs aren't being met, what connections are being missed, what messages are being miscommunicated.

Broken Crayons

 I've been doing this unschooling thing for 6 years now. When I think about it being almost all of Bug's life, it seems so long, but when I type it out right now that seems so very little time. So, no wonder I'm still not a pro. I still have my days when I feel terribly inadequate and I'm failing the kids. I have days when I fear the kids will resent me when they're grown for not raising them differently.

I battle those feelings by relying on my supportive community, and continually reading and rereading the staples. Most recently I read Free to Learn by Peter Gray. An interview with Peter Gray is what set us on the path to unschooling in the first place. I love his work and highly recommend the book.

The point of the story- We've got a jar full of crayons, no broken ones because I tend to throw them out. I cope with my anxiety by controlling my environment. However, there wasn't a black crayon and Bug needed one. So I stopped at the store and got him a fresh box of 24 Crayola crayons, then added them to the jar.

He drew for a minute, and then proceeded to snap every. single. one. of the the crayons in half. Let me tell you, this STRESSED ME OUT. I bit my tongue and just watched. After a few moments he started talking aloud about how when he broke 4 crayons in half he then had 8. 16 to 32, so on and so forth. He was learning math skills for the low price of a 50 cent box of crayons. The snap each made as it broke was very satisfying to him.

I am grateful for having read Free to Learn when this happened, as it reminded me to just stay out of his way and let him learn. I could have so easily interrupted this situation and robbed him of a learning moment. Our society is more tolerant of infants and toddlers "making messes" to learn, but childhood curiosity and drive to learn through exploration doesn't stop once kids reach "school age".

Lemonade Money

 I got a great reminder from Bug (age 5) today. Yesterday we had drive thru for dinner and he got lemonade. This morning he said he wanted more, and I reminded him he didn't have any money left and didn't get paid again until Sunday. He asked why I bought him lemonade yesterday but wouldn't today, so I told him because it was my responsibility to provide him his meals, but I would be providing him meals at home today. He then asked how much a lemonade cost. I off-hand said $2.00 without giving it any real consideration.

The day went on with no more mention of it until this evening when he got out his bunny bank and counted $2.00 in coins to use for buying himself a lemonade.

The thing that resonated with me was that he'd really been thinking about something I told him off-hand. It reminded me to always be honest and answer questions carefully and sincerely. It reminded me how important it is to be as precise as I can with my language, to be careful using metaphors and be sure to explain them. I was reminded how powerful my words can be to them as they work to put everything around them together and navigate the world. I never know which words will be the ones they mull around and pick apart and make into their inner voices.

I would have felt terrible if we'd gotten to the restaurant and he hadn't brought enough to buy himself a drink. Thankfully it was $1.89. I know it might seem a trivial thing, but I think trust is a delicate thing and I can see how not taking his question seriously could have been a chip away at that relationship.

Little Caregiver

 [Bug] bought himself a stuffed pikachu yesterday, and today he's taught him how to play on the playground, tucked him in for a nap, and bandages his injuries.

My first thought was "awwww, he's going to be great parent some day." Then I thought, well, what if he doesn't want to have kids? He'll be a great caregiver. Maybe he'll care for animals or the elderly.

Then I thought some more. Who knows what he'll do with his life. Maybe he won't want to do any sort of caregiver work. For a moment I was trapped into thinking about him in the future instead of seeing him right now.

He is an excellent caregiver RIGHT NOW. He is fully a human being RIGHT NOW. He is uniquely himself RIGHT NOW.

It is so hard to break the habit of thinking about everything my kids do in terms of how it MIGHT impact their future, instead of seeing them and reacting to them right now, in this moment, without the anxieties and fears of the "what ifs" and the assumptive (often setting up for disappointment) "what could be's".

Thanks for the reminder, little caregiver.

 I wrote this years ago and just stumbled across it again. Perhaps others here have felt the same way.

When we first withdrew Josh from the public school system, we were met with some opposition from family. Out of love, they were concerned about whether we were doing what was best for him.

Now, 2 years later, we are still met with the same opposition as family members bring up their concerns yet again. I used to feel their concerns were out of love, but now I have trouble not feeling offended. I look at our children and think, what on earth do they see in them which makes them feel like we are making poor choices? They are healthy, happy, polite, respectful, courteous, (what others would deem 'well-behaved'). The speak intelligently. We have great dialogues. We don't have to coerce them into learning. We negotiate our problems. There is nothing which should give them the impression we are doing something wrong.

In contrast, when we used to send Josh to school and we would complain, "I got a call from his teacher today, he's acting up in school again. We tried spanking, we've grounded him, taken away his toys.This kid is out of control!" they never questioned our approaches. That was the "normal, acceptable" approach to parenting, so obviously we were doing the best that we could, and it was "normal" to be having such struggles with our son.

Now, seeing how home education works better for us, I think it actually upsets them that we DON'T struggle anymore. They may think- "I see them doing something different, and it works for them. What I did didn't work as well for me. Maybe I made a poor choice. But I don't want to question my choices, because that's too painful. So instead I'm going to question their choices. That's easier for me to deal with in my mind right now."

This situation is very frustrating for me. Home education has been the most positive life changing choice we have made. I can't force them to see that, but I can be patient and compassionate toward them as they hopefully work through their issues. After all, I used to think all homeschoolers were weird and look at me now, advocating for home education. We all start somewhere.

Cumulative Emotions

I realized yesterday how cumulative emotions are. Bug (5) got really upset by something I'd said, and was expressing his upset by crying and yelling and stomping. I sat with him for probably 20 minutes while he worked it all out. That might seem like a long time to be upset about something most people would find trivial, but it's what he needed. And now that he's expressed it fully, he doesn't carry it around with him to add to the next time he feels those feelings.

In working through my own past repressed feelings, I can say it's really hard. And it takes so much time. So much time, because it all adds up. Like rollover minutes, lol. So when you're in the throws of your child's emotions, maybe keep that in mind. You're doing yourself and them a huge favor by holding space for them to safely express themselves. All feelings are valid.